The Importance of Being Ron
by Gokuh4060
Summary: When Harry, Ron, and Hermione are caught in a Death Eater plot, Ron finally gets what he always wanted. But, as the old saying goes, you should be careful what you wish for.... [Please read and review]
1. Dobby and Dire Warnings

"Oomph, what the... Dobby." Harry said resignedly, "What do you want? It's," Harry looked the wall, before he realized he was at school. "Ugh! No clock! Well it's late anyway." That much he could tell by the snores of the other boys in his dormitory. 

"Oh great Harry Potter, Dobby does not wish to disturb you, sir, but Dobby has urgent news. Someone is plotting against Harry Potter!!"

This was hardly new for Harry. Dobby seemed to be visiting him with more and more so-called "dire" warnings. He was worse than Professor Trelawney when it came to predicting doom.

"Is this like two weeks ago, when you warned me of plots because Malfoy said he wanted to beat the crap out of me? Or like last month when you said I would be eaten by a monster?"

"A man eating monster was in the school, Harry Potter, sir!"

"It was in my care of Magical Creature's class! I'm sorry, Dobby, it's late, and I have to sleep. Why don't you go back to the kitchens or wherever?" 

"Oh! Dobby annoy Harry Potter! Dobby annoy his bestest friend," Dobby cried, his whiny voice reaching an even higher pitch.

"Mph, Harry keep it down."

"Sorry Seamus, bad dream," said Harry as he clamped a hand over Dobby's mouth. "I know you want to help me, but now is not the time, okay? You warned me, I assure that is more than enough. Now get back to the kitchens before they notice you're gone!"

"All right, Harry Potter, Dobby is going now. Dobby will talk to you at a better time, sir."

Dobby jumped off of Harry and scrambled out the door, and Harry, too tired to think anymore, rolled over and fell asleep.

*****************************************************

"You have to do something about that elf."

"What do you want me to do, Ron?"

It was the next morning and Harry and Ron were heading down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Harry had just finished telling him about Dobby's surprise visit during the night, and oddly enough Ron wasn't surprised. They had both gotten kind of used to Dobby popping in and out of their room, not that they liked it.

Ron sighed, "I guess its not your fault, Harry. What was the warning this time? Beware of Killer Bunny Rabbits?" 

"Actually he never finished; I convinced him to leave."

"Without impersonating a police siren? That's a feat."

The conversation stopped as they walked into the Great Hall and sat by Hermione; she was still obsessed with S.P.E.W. and neither of them wanted to set her off. Harry looked up at the ceiling for a second and thought that it looked like it would be a nice day outside. Ron, on the other hand, was piling food on his plate like he was facing a seven-year famine.

Hermione raised one eyebrow as she looked up from her copy of the Daily Prophet, "A little hungry, Ron?"

"If you must know I.…"

Ron's reply was cut short however as Dobby leapt onto the Gryffindor table, seemingly from out of nowhere, and ran over to Harry, knocking food everywhere.

"What do you think you're doing!" Harry hissed. He didn't want to draw any attention

to Dobby, not that Dobby hadn't drawn a lot of attention already. Harry noticed most of the other students staring and he heard them start to whisper. The entire Slytherin table was smiling in rather malicious manner. 

"Dobby has come to warn Harry Potter at a better time, like Harry Potter asked, sir." Dobby said.

"Not so loud! And get out of here," 

Hermione put down her newspaper. "He can be here if he wants, Harry; he's a person too."

Ron, on the other hand, just grinned

"Look, whether he's a person or not doesn't matter! He's embarrassing me." Harry hissed at Hermione.

"Dobby is an embarrassment to the great Harry Potter, sir? Harry Potter does not like Dobby? Dobby understands, sir." Dobby looked crestfallen, and, with his head hanging, he disappeared as suddenly as he came.

"Are you happy, Harry? You just hurt his feelings."

"Hermione, he's just a house…"

"He still has feelings, Ron!"

Harry wished he could slide under the table. What with Dobby showing up and Hermione and Ron having another argument, Harry knew someone else couldn't be far behind.

"Well, Potter, I'm surprised you sent that house elf away. He was such an improvement over your other friends." 

Harry turned around and saw Draco, flanked as always by Crabbe and Goyle, who seemed to be getting even bigger lately.

"Speak of the moron," said Harry. "At least my friends are better than those two escaped gorillas you hang around with."

Crabbe and Goyle just scratched their heads trying to figure out what Harry had said.

Malfoy opened his mouth to reply, stopped for a second, and then smiled. "Actually, Potter," he grinned, "if I were you I'd hope my friends were just as good as I am." He then turned and walked off without saying anything else, Crabbe and Goyle trailing behind.

"Those two," Ron said. "I almost pity them. They never seem to eat anything at breakfast.

"It's okay Ron," Hermione said soothingly. "You eat enough for both of them."

"What's that supposed to mean?"  


"What do you think? God! Not only do you eat too much, but you're slow! Why any girl would like you is beyond me. Humph."

"Well that's okay because right now, I see no girls I would even like to talk to let alone date."

While Ron and Hermione carried on their argument Harry just sat and thought. "When Malfoy smiles it can never be a good thing," he said half to himself. "What did he mean?"

"How plainly do I have to say it, Harry! I don't care what Hermione thinks. It isn't that hard a concept to grasp."

"No, not you, Ron! Malfoy! When he was talking about having friends who are as good as I am?"

"How should I know? He's probably just trying to scare you," said Ron.

"I don't know. Malfoy's talking in riddles and Dobby did say people were plotting against you," Hermione spoke up.

"Oh, speaking of bad predictions, we have to get to Divination." Ron picked up the last scone from his plate and stood up.

Harry looked longingly at the table full of food and realized he hadn't eaten anything. He quickly stood up and grabbed some rolls to snack on in class and hurried after Ron. Both of them waved to Hermione as they left, feeling jealous that her classes didn't start for another 20 minutes.

As Harry and Ron climbed up the ladder to the North Tower they were both hit by the noxious smell of the incense that always burning in the room. It was small and attic-like, with a fireplace, several low tables, and people sitting on cushions all over the floor. They were the last ones to get there and quickly plopped down on two cushions in the back--not a moment too soon either because Professor Trelawney floated in just a second later.

"Get out your charts everyone, we're going..."

Harry didn't really hear anything else she said; he was already on autopilot. He was just starting to have a really good daydream too; it involved Snape in a bunny suit locked in a cage in the Great Hall, when his scar began to burn. Harry clenched his teeth in pain.

Ron leaned over, "Harry what's wrong?" 

"Nothing, just a small headache."

"Oh well with the way you look I'm glad its not a big one--your head might explode!"

"Harry, is everything alright?" Professor Trelawney asked. 

"I'm fine."  


"I doubt it; I sense you're in pain. Why don't you head down to the hospital wing? Ronald can you escort him?"

"No, I'm fine I swear." 

"If you're sure..."  
  
"I'm fine, okay?"

"Alright then, class, please turn to page 356 in _Death Omens and You_."

"Hey Harry," Ron whispered, "are you really okay?" 

"Yeah, the pain's gone," said Harry absentmindedly. An image of Cedric's body flashed before his eyes. Too often his scar had hurt and he had done nothing. Didn't warn anyone didn't say anything. Well this time things would be different, Harry resolved. He would go to Dumbledore tonight, when everyone was asleep.

The rest of the day was pretty routine: sleeping through History of Magic, avoiding fire breath in Care of Magical Creatures, the regular. That evening, however, Harry stayed awake in bed, waiting for everyone else to fall asleep so he could sneak out. Finally, when he heard Neville's snores, he crept out of his bed and opened his trunk. Shifting aside his clothes and books, he took out his father's invisibility cloak. It shimmered in the darkness, looking more like liquid than anything else. Thanking his father silently, Harry slipped it on and opened the door when there was a sudden muffled THUMP.

Harry turned and saw a pile of sheets on the floor with a foot sticking out. "Oomph, Harry, help me up" Ron whispered. "Harry I know you're there, come on." Ron struggled with his tangled sheets. 

Harry went over and peeled the sheets off Ron, helping him get up, and they both went downstairs to the darkened common room.

Harry poked his head out from under his cloak, "How did you know I was leaving?"

"Either leave the cloak on or take it off; it's too weird talking to a floating head." 

Harry took off the cloak. "Now will you answer my question?"

"Fine. Your scar hurt in Divination. I know how you look when that happens; I've known you too long. So now you're planning on telling someone, probably Dumbledore." Ron explained impatiently.

"Yeah, but that still doesn't tell me how you knew when I was leaving."

"Oh, that. I tied a string from the door to my toe after you went to bed."

"That's a dumb plan."

"It worked, didn't it."

"Just because it worked doesn't make it a good plan. I could have just left you on the floor."  


"I didn't think of that. Come on, let's go."

"I'm going alone," Harry insisted. "This isn't your problem."  
  
"Who cares! You're my friend and I'm going with you. Besides, I don't think I've ever seen Dumbledore's office."

"Go back to bed."

"I'm going with you."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"No, all three of us are going."

"Hermione?"

"No, it's Malfoy," Hermione grinned as she stood up from one of the chairs by the fireplace.

"I'm not even going to ask what you tied a string to," Harry said, exasperated.

"Actually, I fell asleep down here and you woke me up."

"How much have you heard?"

"Enough to know that it's important and I'll wake up the whole tower if you don't take me."

Harry smiled, touched that his friends cared that much about him. 

"Are you alright, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Harry just shook his head and picked up the invisibility cloak. "Let's go."

The three of them got under the cloak and opened the common room door. The fat lady was asleep and they crept quietly down the hall listening for Filch and Mrs. Norris. Suddenly Harry stopped, and Ron and Hermione crashed into him. 

"Ow! Warn me before you stop like that!" hissed Ron.

"Why did you stop?" Hermione asked.

"Look, that door is open."

"Who cares," Ron muttered. "We're invisible. We can just keep going."

"I think we should check it out."

"Look, Harry, I know adventures can be fun," Ron said, "But we're already sneaking out of our dorm trying to find the headmaster." Ron stopped. "I just realized what a dumb idea this is. _We snuck out of our dorm to find the_..."

"Shh," Hermione whispered, "someone's talking."

From inside the room, the trio heard "Are you sure we can just leave this here?"

"Yeah, nobody comes in here. It'll be safe until we need it."  


The voices were too soft to be recognized and two figures silently crept out of the room, closed the door, and hurried away.

"Okay," Harry said, "Now we _have_ to investigate."

"Why? Because two weird guys just stashed something there? That's not much of a reason," Ron said. 

"Well I'm going in there, and the cloak is coming with me. I don't know what you guys are doing."

"God, Harry, you're curiosity is going to kill us one of these days." said Ron.

"Just as long as it isn't tonight."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Let's just get it over with."

The three of them slipped over to the door, Harry eased it open, and they went inside.

It looked like every other unused room Harry had seen at Hogwarts. Dusty desks were piled in the corner, and a large mirror sat in the middle of the floor.

"Why is there a mirror in an unused classroom?" Hermione asked.

"Oh cool," Harry said, "It's the mirror of Erised. I found it my first year. You remember, Hermione; we told you about it when you got back from your Holiday."

"I also remember you telling us that Dumbledore got rid of it." Ron said.

"Well that's what he told me. I don't know how it wound up here, but let's have a look."

"Why should we? It's not like it'll show us anything new."

"Well, Hermione's never looked in it."

"Yeah, I _am_ kind of curious to see what I really want."

"Fine, come on. We'll do it together and then get out of here. I want to find Dumbledore before morning," Ron urged.

The three of them walked over and stood in front of the mirror. They were surprised to see that there was no reflection other than the three of them.

"Shouldn't we see what we desire or something?"

"That's how it worked last time."

"No incantation or anything?"  


"Nope."

"Maybe we should take off the cloak."

"It worked when we had the cloak on last..."

Harry didn't finish his sentence. Not that anyone really noticed. That's because at that exact moment, all three of them collapsed to the floor unconscious.


	2. Panic

"Ugh! I feel like I got run over by the Knight Bus," Ron croaked.

He pulled himself slowly to his feet and looked around the classroom. He hadn't been unconscious long; it was still dark outside, and the room seemed the same. Of course, Ron noted, it was a little odd that the room was blurry, but, then, Ron had never been unconscious before; that was always Harry's department. In the dim light, Ron could make out two lumps on the floor that he assumed were Harry and Hermione.

Ron walked over to them and stopped, because lying there on the ground were Hermione and ... and ... _Ron_. 

"This can't be happening, I'm too young to die. I'm not dead. I'm not dead." Ron started chanting. 

"Harry, could you please be quiet! You're not dead, okay!" said Hermione as she sat up. "And you're not helping my headache either."

"What do you mean, Ron, I didn't say anything, but.... _Oh my God_…." Harry trailed off.

It was at that point that all three of them realized what had happened_. They had switched bodies_. Ron had Harry's body, Hermione had Ron's body and--

"Damn it! How come I'm stuck in Hermione's body?" Harry moaned on the floor as he covered his eyes.

"This isn't a joyride for me either." Hermione snapped.

"Yeah, well, oh wait! I have nothing to complain about! I'm the famous Harry Potter!" Ron grinned at the possibilities.

"It's not that great, Ron, you're forgetting about the Dursleys," Harry reminded him, sounding frantic.

"Okay, then we'll get it fixed before the year ends." Ron was still looking slightly pleased.

"How did this happen?" Harry moaned.

"It must have been the mirror, stupid. Let's look at it. _One person at a time_," Hermione said as she struggled to her feet. She was rather awkward as she stumbled towards the mirror but, then, she was suddenly much taller than she used to be.

"How about if you get used to walking in my body before you hurt yourself…er, hurt me… or whatever," Ron said. "I'll look at the mirror, okay?"

Harry, meanwhile, was still lying on the floor trying not to panic.

As Ron neared the mirror, he became certain it was not the mirror of Erised, and as he read the inscription, his mouth dropped.

"Well Harry, what is it? Is it really bad?" Hermione asked. 

"I'm Ron, remember?"

"What is it, some evil magical item?"

"It's a frickin' _party favor_!"

"_What_?"

"Listen to this, 'Mirror of body switching. Great for parties and practical jokes. To rent, owl Haran's Joke Emporium: 17486 Gorshire, London. Note, body switch lasts for 720 hours and is irreversible for that amount of time.'" Ron read.

"Well, that's only a month," Hermione said hopefully.

"Yeah, well you're not a girl!" Harry was still on the floor, dangerously close to completely losing his composure.

"Yes I am, if you'll recall, and right now I'm stuck in Ron's body which I can assure you is _not_ fun."

"Hey! What's wrong with my body?!"

"When was the last time you bathed, Ron?"

"Never mind."

"We have to tell somebody!" Hermione demanded.

"We're going to wait for this to wear off!" Harry said frantically.

"What do you mean? We have to get Professor Dumbledore!" Hermione yelled.

"Be quiet," Harry hissed. "You'll wake the whole school! We can't tell anyone because we'll never live it down. Imagine what Malfoy would say if he knew I was in your body! Besides, it's irreversible. We'll just have to wait a month anyway. We can keep it a secret!"

"No we can't! You can't be me! Think of my grades, think of my standing in the class! _How will you go to the bathroom_!?"

"I'll close my eyes, I swear. Come on, Hermione. If you tell, Malfoy would never let me forget it."

"Besides, Hermione, I think it might be fun to be Harry for a while." Ron piped up.

"Shut up, Ron," Harry and Hermione said at the same time.

"Jeez, fine."

"Please, Hermione, don't tell anyone. Besides, who'd believe you? All you'd get is a one way ticket to St. Mungo's."

"No I wouldn't!"

"I could see the conversation now," Harry mocked. "'Professor McGonagall, you have to help me! I switched bodies with Ron!' 'Ms. Granger, are you feeling well? Maybe the stress of school is getting to you,' and then-BAM-straight to Mungo's. Face it, we're stuck like this."

"I guess so," Hermione sniffed. Wow, thought Harry, I've never seen Ron cry before.

"Hermione," Ron ordered, "don't cry in my body!"

"Well, for the time being, it's my body, and I'll cry if I want to!"

"Just don't make a habit of it," Ron grumped. "I don't want you to give us away." He thought for a moment. "All right. Here's what we'll do. Let's go back to Gryffindor before Filch finds us here and we'll try to sleep. We can figure this out in the morning." Harry and Hermione stared. "Well," Ron shrugged, "I have Harry's body. Doesn't that mean that I get to make the plans?"

Harry sighed. "Ron's right. Let's just get out of here. There's nothing we can do about it now."

After an uneventful trip back to Gryffindor Tower the three friends climbed through the portal into the darkened common room.

"Ron, you go upstairs and change, then come back and get Hermione and show her where you keep your stuff," Harry whispered.

"Why can't I just go with Ron and get it over with?" 

Harry blushed. "Because I don't want you to see me naked."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Fine, I'll wait down here with you."

Ron nodded and hurried up the tower stairs. Hermione and Harry had just sat on the loveseat by the dying fire when the tower door eased open.

They heard a whisper. "Quiet Fred, someone's in the room."

"Damn!" Harry hissed. "It's Fred and George."

"Oy, who's on the loveseat?" George called.

As Hermione and Harry turned to look at the portal, their faces were outlined by the low burning coals in the grate.

"Say, George, I think we've caught us a couple of love birds." Fred looked like Christmas had come early.

"I agree, old chap," replied George, equally elated.

Oh crap, Hermione thought, they think I'm Ron! _And they think Harry is me!_ She willed them to go away.

"Ron, you old dog," said George as he patted Hermione's shoulder. "We were wondering how long it'd take you." Then he whispered confidentially, "I wish you would've waited though. Now I owe Fred two sickles."

"Well, Hermione," grinned Fred as he eased his way between them, "I thought you would hang out with a better class of people than ickle Ronniekins here. But, then again, who can resist the Weasley charms, eh?" Fred winked at Harry and nudged Hermione in the ribs.

"Come on, get out of here," Hermione said, feeling her ears turning redder than her hair. 

"Oh, but we're just so proud of you!"

"Aww come on, Fred, lets cut him some slack this once, _just this once though_, because we're family."

Fred suddenly looked serious. "Fine, but we're going to have a talk with you two tomorrow. Don't try to get out of it. We'll find you."

"Yeah, okay, whatever, get out of here," Hermione said through clenched teeth.

When they left, Hermione noticed Harry had been strangely silent.

"Are you alright? They're gone you know."

"THANK GOD" cried Harry. "I couldn't hold it in anymore!" He fell off the loveseat and rolled on the floor, consumed with hysterical laughter.

Just then Ron came down the stairs "What's going on here?"

"Your brothers," Hermione replied.

"Oh God, what did they say?" Ron demanded, starting to sound frantic.

"It's ok," gasped Harry between laughs. "By the way, they're proud of you for getting to first base with me."

"OH GOD!" Ron cried.

"Quiet," hissed Hermione, "you'll wake the whole tower! Come on, Ron; let's go upstairs. I need to sleep."

Ron started up the stairs and Hermione stood and followed. Neither said anything to Harry who was still laughing and didn't notice them leave. Suddenly he thought of something important that killed his mirth instantly.

"Hermione," Harry asked the empty room in a quiet plaintive voice, "where's your room?"


	3. The Morning After

"Well, I'd better get this over with," Harry resolved as he made his way over to the staircase that led to the girls' dorms. He slowly made his way up the darkened stairs and noted, gratefully, that there were signs on the doors telling the years of the dormitory residents.

"Heh. This is going to be easy," Harry whispered to himself as he eased through the door to the fifth year girls' room. He noted that the room was laid out exactly like the boys' dorm, well, there was no West Ham poster, but in the same spot was a poster for a boy band called the "Wizards of Desire" whose members each probably used more hair gel than Gilderoy Lockhart. Harry quickly scanned the room and saw only one empty bed. He was making his way over to Hermione's trunk to get pajamas when two glowing eyes flashed at him from the bedspread.

"How can they sleep like this?" Hermione groaned. "All this snoring is driving me crazy!" She was still angry with Harry for not letting her tell anyone, but he did have a point; Malfoy would never let him live it down. But I _need_ to tell someone, Hermione thought. That's when it hit her. "_Sirius",_ she whispered. Yeah, Sirius would know what to do. That's it, she decided. On the next Hogsmeade trip she'd go talk to Sirius, and, she ruefully noted, buy some earplugs.

Ron, on the other hand, was having the time of his life. "I'm famous, rich, and, well, I'm not handsome but I'm famous enough that it doesn't matter." Ron smiled to himself. "For once I'm not going be in the background; I'm going to be _somebody_," Ron thought as he drifted off to sleep, still smiling.

"What the..." gasped Harry. "Oh, it's only you, Crookshanks." He sighed with relief. "You scared me half to death."

This isn't a problem, thought Harry. Crookshanks knows me; it'll be fine. But as Harry neared the bed Crookshanks hissed and his fur started to rise. His eyes narrowed as he glared at Harry. He knows I'm not Hermione, Harry thought. He whispered "It's okay Crookshanks, don't be frightened," in what he hoped was a soothing voice.

"Can't you keep that cat quiet, Hermione?" Parvati mumbled sleepily. "And don't get him mad. You know what happens when he's mad."

"Sorry, I don't know what's gotten into him," Harry said quietly as he slowly inched toward the cat. "You're a good kitty, Crookshanks. I won't hurt you," Harry murmured, and it seemed to be working. Crookshanks stopped hissing and his hair started to go down again. "Good boy, you're a very goo--AAAAHHHHH" Crookshanks leapt off the bed with surprising speed for a cat that large and latched himself onto Harry's face. "GET OFF ME," Harry screamed as he tried to peel off the ferocious feline. Unfortunately, the harder he pulled, the tighter Crookshanks clung to his head. 

"Hermione, what's--OH MY GOD!" Parvati exclaimed. "Quick, Lavender, Standard Cat Removal, Plan Alpha." 

Harry felt a number of hands grab the cat and pull. Finally, they managed to get Crookshanks off of Harry's face, but it took both girls to hold the cat, which still hissed and scratched at the air.

"Quick, open the door," Lavender cried.

Harry threw the door open, the girls hurled Crookshanks out of the room, and Harry slammed the door shut. Without the orange demon, the room seemed oddly quiet. All Harry could think about were the questions that the girls were bound to ask: Why did Crookshanks attack you? Crookshanks likes Hermione; who are _you_? He just knew he was going to be found out.

"Hermione, why on EARTH did you wake up that cat! You know what he's like! Why do you keep him around? _God!_ Just use some of that skin fixer cream and go to bed; we need to sleep."

"Uh," Harry asked, "where's the cream?"

"In the Crookshanks care kit. You know that, you made it yourself." Parvati looked at him impatiently.

Harry didn't respond; he didn't want to draw ANY more attention to himself. He looked around the room again as the girls were climbing back into bed. A large white box with a picture of a cat on it sat on the dresser. "Well I guess this is it" Harry thought. Harry's theory was confirmed when he saw that the cat on the box had horns and a barbed tail. He quickly opened it to clean himself up; he really wanted to get to bed.

"Why am I in Harry's bed?" Ron thought as he woke up. Then the events of last night came flooding back to him. "Oh yeah," Ron remembered, "I AM Harry." He smiled up at the ceiling. No matter how often he thought about it, the possibilities still amazed him. "I don't think I ever slept this well at Hogwarts," Ron thought. "Even Harry's bed is better than the lumpy old mattress I sleep on. This is going to be a great day."

Ron practically leaped out of bed and scrambled over to Harry's trunk to get some clothes. He knew he should be quiet because no one else was awake, but he was too excited to care. As he raced down the stairs to the common room Ron realized he was the only one awake in the tower.

Humph. Harry always has something interesting to do. I think I'll head down to the Great Hall and bask in popularity, Ron thought as he clambered out the portal.

He was in such a rush to get to the great Hall that he missed one of the trick stairs and had to take about a minute to get his leg out. When he finally reached the Great Hall Ron realized just how early it was. The hall was empty, and as he looked at the ceiling all he saw was the predawn sky. 

"Who cares," Ron grinned. "I can wait."

At a much saner hour Hermione peeked over covers on her bed and saw Dean's West Ham poster on the wall in front of her, and more of Neville than she had _EVER_ wanted to see. She quickly scrambled back under the sheets and tried to keep from hyperventilating. 

"It wasn't a dream," she said to herself, "but you're still okay. You're just in Ron's body. Oh GOD I'm in _Ron's body!_" She gave a low moan.

"Ron, are you okay in there?" Neville asked.

"Yeah, umm I'm fine, I just ate a little too much at dinner." she replied.

"Well okay, if you're sure."

"Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks for the concern, Neville."

__

Concern, she thought. Ron never says _concern_. I _have_ to start acting like Ron, Hermione reminded herself. She wanted to peek over the covers to see if Neville had noticed her slipup, but the fear of seeing Neville like that a second time was too much. She just huddled under the covers and waited for him to leave. When Hermione finally heard the door open and close, she looked out of bed and saw she was the only one left in the room. She opened Ron's trunk, screwed her eyes shut, threw on some old clothes (probably Bill's hand-me-downs, from the look of them), and strapped on his large shoes. 

Going downstairs was a painstaking process for Hermione; she still wasn't used to moving in Ron's body. When she reached the common room she saw Harry sitting on the love seat across from Fred and George, who were staring intently at him. When she saw Fred and George she almost fell over laughing. Intent on giving parental advice, they dressed like rejects from _Masterpiece Theatre_. They wore smoking jackets and fuzzy pink slippers. When Harry saw Hermione he motioned desperately with his eyes that she should go back upstairs, but it was too late.

"Ronald, old boy," George called as Fred blew into a bubble pipe. "We'd like to have a chat with you two kids."

"I don't have time for this," Hermione replied, trying to walk past them.

George grabbed her arm. "Oh but you do," he countered, "unless you want Harry to find out that you dressed up like him for Halloween when you were seven."

"I don't remember that," Hermione gasped.

"Oh but you did," Fred grinned maliciously. "And you should see the pictures of ickle Ronnie, he looks so cute!" Fred confided.

Hermione sank onto the loveseat and glanced at Harry. He looked absolutely horrified. She turned to Fred and George, realizing that she might never again have such a golden opportunity to get dirt on Ron. "I swear I don't remember a thing. You'd better remind me. Don't forget the details."

"Are you sure you don't remember, Ron? It was your favorite costume," George said, looking confused. Fred took out a manila envelope and slid it across the table. "You looked so sweet in it! Here, Hermione, you can keep these safe. Don't bother trying to get rid of them, Ron. We have the negatives." George blew into his bubble pipe, looking smug.

Harry ripped it open and sure enough, inside were pictures of Ron, a lot shorter and with more freckles, but definitely Ron, in a pointy hat with a greasepaint lightning bolt painted on his forehead.

Beside her, Harry made a choking noise. George pulled a silver flask from an inside pocket of his smoking jacket and held it out. Harry shook his head and George grinned at Hermione. "When we dress up, we don't fool around," he said.

"Are you sure that's a picture of Ron?" Harry still looked a bit sick. "It could be Percy, or one of you."

"Of course it's Ron," George replied, "Harry Potter has been the most popular Halloween costume in the wizarding world for thirteen years straight. Ron cried when mum wouldn't let him wear it two years in a row." 

Harry stared at the picture of Ron as the image of thousands of little wizards and witches dressed as him flashed through his mind.

"Anyway, enough fun stuff," Fred said, his eyes twinkling. "Now it's time for business."

"Which I guess would be talking about fun stuff," George grinned.

"George, you'll give them ideas." Fred admonished. "This is a _very serious_ conversation. We have to guide these two properly, or Hermione might end up with thirty kids and no husband."

"WHAT!" Hermione cried.

"Now, we'll start at the beginning," Fred continued, talking over her outburst. "When two people meet and fall in love."

"Actually, Fred, I think they're past that."

"Good, because I have to go meet Angelina soon. Well then I'll keep it short. Hermione, whatever our hormone crazed brother may say, no matter how much he pours on the Weasley charms, you must resist and make his life miserable. Okay?"

Fred looked over at Harry, who just nodded, knowing that if he opened his mouth he'd laugh like he did last night. Hermione glared at Fred and George with murder in her eyes.

"And Ron, if we ever find out you treated Hermione badly, you'll pray mum gets to you first," George added.

"Well, George, I think that about wraps it up."

"Oh, I quite agree."

"Lets leave these two to think about what we've said."

With that the twins stood up and walked up the stairs to their room and for the second time in as many days Harry fell off the loveseat laughing. Hermione, on the other hand, was still feeling murderous.

"_I can't believe them!_ As if I'd _ever_ fall for the Weasley charms!"

"Well, there are seven of them," Harry gasped between laughs.

"What does that have to do with anything?"  


"We know Mr. Weasley must be charming!"

After Harry had recovered and Hermione had calmed down, the two of them wandered down to the Great Hall. The first thing they noticed was the large clump of people gathered around the Gryffindor table. 

They looked at each other and Harry shook his head.

"Ah, let him have a little fun. Who could it hurt?"

Hermione shrugged. "It's your body."

As they made their way around the crowd they saw Colin Creevey emerge and make his way over to them, his ever-present camera dangling around his thin neck.

"Hey, Ron?" Colin called eagerly. "Is it true you saved Harry from Voldemort last summer?"

"What?" Harry asked.

"Didn't they tell you about it, Hermione?" Colin asked. "Apparently Ron risked his life and held off twelve Death Eaters to keep Harry safe until Dumbledore could reach them!"

Hermione smiled sweetly at Harry, "No harm, eh?"  


"I'll kill him," Harry said gritting his teeth.

"What are you guys talking about?" Colin asked, slowly backing away.

"Nothing, Colin, just please leave us alone for a minute," Hermione told him.

Colin scurried to another part of the table, nervously looking over his shoulder at Harry and Hermione.

"No, I won't kill him, I'll do something worse. _Much _worse." 

"Harry, you sound like Malfoy!" Hermione hissed.

"Yeah, but Ron's spreading lies about me, and, well, they're not true!"

"Well lies usually _aren't_ true, are they?" she asked sarcastically. "Lets go talk to him."

"Fine."

The two of them pushed through the jumble of people, trying to reach Ron. The crowd wasn't as deep as it looked, and soon the pair made it to the center.

Harry's jaw dropped. "_What the HELL are you doing_?"


	4. Gred and Forge Strike Back

A/N: Sorry I'm so late with the update, the play I'm in is nearing production week and I'm in the final stages of becoming an Eagle Scout and I'm pretty busy. I'll try to write the next installment sooner. Just to answer everyone who asked in their reviews, I'm not going to say whether this story will have an H/R or an H/H slant. All I'll say is that I'm going to make it closest to the 'ship that I see in the cannon and let my twisted mind turn Hogwarts upside down. Anyway, relationships don't matter that much, this story is supposed to be funny and that is what I'll strive for, and if I have to use relationships to make it funny then I will. As a side note, I want to give my sister co-author credit, not only for convincing me to write this, but sitting through it all with me so I don't start playing Jedi Knight. Oh, and she has some pretty good ideas too.

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Harry's jaw dropped. "_What the HELL are you doing_?"

"Oh, hi guys," Ron called. "Come on! Sit down!"

Harry and Hermione didn't move. They were too shocked--well, Harry was shocked, Hermione was livid. This is because Ron had a girl sitting on each of his knees feeding him breakfast. 

"What are you doing?" Hermione gasped, her new freckles fading as her face turned red.

"I'm eating breakfast! Jeez, what does it look like? Oh, could you get me some scrambled eggs?" he asked the girl on his left.

"Oh anything you want my liddle Harry-Warry," the girl simpered.

"You call this eating breakfast! Having these...these tarts feed you!"

"Yeff," Ron replied around a mouthful of eggs.

"You tell him Harry," the girl on his right said, nibbling Ron's ear. "He's just jealous."

"THAT'S IT!" Hermione yelled, as she grabbed Ron's other ear. "Come with me right now. You too, umm, Hermione." While she was doing this she pushed the two girls off Ron's lap and yanked him to his feet. 

"OWWW! What did I do?"

"Come on, Harry!"

"But I'm not done eating."

"_You are now_."

Hermione kept pulling on Ron's ear until she finally reached the hallway outside the Hall. Harry followed behind in a daze.

"What is all this about?" Ron huffed.

"It's about you using Harry's body to get a few giggles."

"Well, as you said to me earlier, it's my body now and I happen to like it. Besides, Harry doesn't seem to mind."

"That's cause he's still in shock."

"Naw, he's just upset he never thought of doing that before."

While they were bickering back and forth, Harry was staring straight ahead; the only thought running through his mind was what Ron had done in his body and the humiliation at the hands of the Slytherins that he would have to face when he was back to being himself again. He started breathing faster and faster, he could feel his heart pounding in his chest.

"Harry? Are you all right?"

"He doesn't look too good."

Harry tried to wave them away but his arms felt like lead, they crashed to his sides and he collapsed on the ground. When he woke up he heard the strict voice of Madam Pomfrey echoing from somewhere to his right.

"I know you brought her here, but you can't see her. This is a hospital wing, not a zoo. Now get out, or I'll have Professor McGonagall throw you out when she gets here."

"But what about Hermione?"

"Is she all right?"

Despite the protests, Harry knew they were leaving as their voices faded away. He heard the door slam shut, and footsteps coming down the hall.

"Ahh, awake, Ms. Granger? How are we feeling?"

"Aside from trolls playing the bongos in my head I'm fine, thanks." 

  
Harry started to sit up when he felt a hand on his chest.

"You can't go just yet, I still don't know what happened and Professor McGonagall wants to talk to you."

"It's all right, Poppy, I'm sure she can sit up."

Oh, Minerva, I didn't hear you come in."

Madame Pomfrey went behind the curtain and started to straighten up her supply cabinet while Professor McGonagall pulled a chair up to the side of Harry's bed.

"Well, Ms. Granger, what happened?"

"I don't know, Professor. I was standing outside the Great Hall and it felt like I couldn't breathe, my head was spinning, stuff like that."

"Was Mr. Weasley there?'

"Yes..."

"I knew it!" she interrupted. "I warned you, Hermione, that Weasley boy is nothing but _trouble_."

Harry could only stare openmouthed at her: she had called him _Hermione_, not Ms. Granger, and it seemed that she and Hermione had talked about stuff like this before. 

  
Damage control! Come on, Harry, think! Damage control! Harry's mind raced.

"Actually, Professor, it was what was going on the Great Hall that upset me."

"You mean Mr. Potter? With those girls? That upset you? Well, Hermione, when I told you forget about that _boy_ I didn't think that you'd fall in love with Potter. You have to remember that he's famous, and you have to consider that he might be mentally damaged."

"Mentally damaged?" Harry interrupted sharply.

"Well, you know, he probably has post traumatic stress syndrome. I don't care who you are; you can't face You-Know-Who that many times without something snapping. It's not his fault really, and I truly think he would have cracked by now if you and that _boy_ weren't kind enough to spend time with him." She gently patted Harry on the shoulder.

"_Cracked_?" Harry squeaked.

"Well, yes. It's truly a miracle he hasn't gone off the deep end. Actually, I'm surprised to learn you like Mr. Potter. I mean, all the posters around the school would make one think otherwise."

**__**

"Posters?!"

"Oh, dear! You haven't seen them yet! The Weasley twins put them up," Professor McGonagall said as she took a piece of paper out of her pocket. "They're all over the school. And don't worry, they already have two weeks detention." 

She unfolded the paper and handed it to Harry. He was almost afraid to look at it, but he couldn't resist. It was like an accident on the side of the road; he just had to look, no matter how bad it might be. On the middle of the paper was a moving picture of Hermione and Ron _KISSING_, and a underneath was flowing pink script.

HEAR YEA HEAR YEA

We of the House of Weasley would like to cordially welcome 

Ms. Hermione Granger to our family, and congratulate our 

Brother Ronald who has exceeded all of our expectations by 

Scoring with a major BABE.

P.S. Angelina, George wrote that last bit.

"Oh, Hermione, I thought you were over him. Please don't cry, I did punish them"

Harry didn't say a word; all he could think of was Ron's reaction to these posters and the probable bloody nose he would be getting soon. 

"Anyway, Ms. Granger, I have to be going and you have Potions now if I remember correctly." She stood up and walked to the door, and turned when she touched the handle. "Oh, I almost forgot. I wanted to tell you we're having another ball this year; the last one was such a success. I wanted to tell you early so you could straighten out which of those two you wanted to go with." And with that, she left. 

Even though his head was spinning, this time with information, Harry managed to get out of the bed, throw the poster in the trash, and get out the door. About ten minutes later Harry was heading to Potions with his books and a much clearer head when he spotted Ron standing on the stairs waiting for him.

"There you are," Ron called. "You've got a lot of explaining to do."

"What do you mean _I_ have to explain!"

"Look at this picture" Ron hissed as he pulled out one of Fred and George's posters. 

"Yeah, I've seen it and I want to know when you've _ever_ kissed Hermione like that!" 

"He hasn't." Hermione said as she came up behind them.

"Exactly! Which makes me wonder, _Harry,_ what you're doing kissing my body like that! I know we're friends but..."

"Ah! I've seen you found our work." George said.

"I told you people would like it." Fred nudged George. "By the way, we're sorry if we were inaccurate. We had to take a few minor creative liberties."

"You call this _MINOR_!" Ron yelled waving the picture at them.

"Jeez, Harry, we didn't think you'd get upset," George said. "It was just a little harmless fun."

"Yeah, we figured that since you two were so boring when people are around you must be real wildcats when you're alone. I mean, we couldn't just put pictures of you guys reading together in the library."

"You didn't have to do this at all!" cried Hermione.

"Look, we didn't think you'd take it that badly, Ron. We just wanted to welcome you into the Weasley Fold."

"I can't believe you two! This time you've gone too far! I swear I'm going to kill you!" Ron leaped at Fred and George, luckily Hermione and Harry grabbed him before he could do anything.

"God, Harry, we didn't think you'd take it this seriously...." George stopped and his face lit up. "We didn't think _you_ like Hermione too."

"Yeah, Harry, we're really sorry. We just wanted to get at Ron. It never occurred to us," at this point Fred raised his voice so everyone in the hall could hear, "THAT YOU THREE HAVE A _LOVE TRIANGLE_ GOING ON HERE. Oops look at the time, got to get to class," Fred said in a normal voice. "See you later," and with that they vanished faster than most wizards could disapparate.

"Calm down, Ron." 

"Yeah, Harry's right. They were just having fun."

"I swear to God I'm going to kill those two."

"Well if we don't hurry up, Snape will kill you first. Come on."

The three of them hurried through the halls and down the stairs until they finally reached the dank and musty corridor outside the Potions dungeon. Ron opened the door and they entered the room. The students were already at their tables and Snape looked up with a sneer.

"Oh, and I thought it was going to be a good day. Humph, ten points from Gryffindor for tardiness."

"But we didn't miss any class!" Harry protested.

"Ms. Granger. I am shocked. I think being with these ruffians has had an adverse affect on your manners. Another ten points from Gryffindor for insubordination and I think that you should not work with your friends today. Ms. Bulstrode, why don't you partner with Ms. Granger," he said, with a hint of a smile floating about his lips.

Draco saw Hermione open her mouth, but Ron smacked her in the back of the head before she could speak. Draco was a naturally observant person; you can't spot people's flaws if you aren't and Draco could spot flaws like nobody's business. It was a gift, kind of like his charm and dashing good looks, or at least that's how he thought of it. In his opinion he even made a sexy ferret. Now, normally watching people get hit was one of Draco's favorite pastimes, and the fact that it was that uppity mudblood goody-goody made it twice as satisfying, but it was odd that the muggle lover Weasley would be the one to hit her. Actually, Draco wasn't the only one who was surprised; Dean and Seamus were both glaring at Ron. "Ah, dissent among the Gryffindors is always fun," he thought. "Maybe I can get the Daily Prophet to run a story about it."

As these deliciously evil thoughts were frolicking through the twisted landscape of his mind, Draco was jerked suddenly back to reality. Hermione and Ron were walking past him to their seats and he heard Ron whisper to her, "You can't mouth off like that, Harry! You'll ruin my grade point average!"

"Thank God for the Gryffindor lack of subtlety," he whispered to Crabbe and Goyle who were sitting behind him. "I guess they found the mirror on their own. I'll have to tell my father to step up the Dark Lord's plans."


	5. The First Day of Class

A/N Once again I must apologize for the lateness of this posting. In an attempt to make up for it, here are two chapters in one day (and the answer is yes, my sister is visiting me). Oh, by the way, J.K. Rowling owns all these characters. I just decided to play a shell game with them. And no Potters were harmed in the making of this chapter. I'm not sure if I can say the same for Fred and George (I'll try to keep Ron away but I can't make any promises). I'd also like to thank the game Kings Quest III for providing potion recipes.

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Hermione was shocked as she walked toward the back of the room. "How could Harry talk to a teacher like that! IN MY BODY!! I can't believe him," she thought she smacked him in the back of the head again, just to get her point across. It was very therapeutic. Of course she was also trying not to think that she was hitting her own body.

"Quit doing that!" Ron hissed he grabbed her arm and dragged her quickly to an empty table. "NEVER hit a girl, Hermione. _Ever_!" He whispered as they sat down. 

"Why not? You guys hit each other all the time."

"But have we ever hit you? It's just not right!"

"But it's equal rights Ron. Women can take anything a man can, and childbirth to boot!"

"Equal rights? Hermione, girls aren't house elves. This is just the way things are."

"And what is wrong with being a house elf, _RONALD_!"

"Excuse me, is there something you'd like to share with the whole class, Mr. Weasely?" Snape asked in a mocking drawl.

"Actually--"

"Haven't you ever heard of a _rhetorical_ _question_? I don't really want to hear your babbling excuses. I just wanted you to shut up."

"But I've been paying attention!" Hermione snapped back as she stood up, while Ron was furiously whispering, "shut up shut up shut up" and tugging on her sleeve for her to sit down. When that failed, he started praying. Hard.

"Oh you have, have you? You think you know about potions?" Snape started walking slowly towards his desk, "Let's just see what you know." He quickly spun around, "What ingredients do you use to brew a storm!"

"One cup ocean water, one spoonful of mud, one pinch of toadstool powder, and an empty jar." Hermione didn't even bat an eyelash.

"You're lucky I started out easy, Mr. Weasley. I guarantee it won't stay this way."

Ron could hear Hermione whisper under her breath, "Bring it on, you greasy old goat."

"What ingredients cause teleportation at random!"

"One spoonful of salt grains, one sprig of dried mistletoe, and a stone of unusual color."

"What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood!"

"You're getting slow, Professor. You asked that on the very first day of class. It creates," at this point Hermione started doing a Snape impression, a rather good one too, and Ron had taken to banging his head against the table with unfortunate enthusiasm, "a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death! HAH!"

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"I can't believe you did that Hermione," Harry said as they walked out of the room after class, "I thought the quizzing would have stopped after you called him a —"

"You can't say words like that, Harry. You're a girl now, remember?" Ron interrupted. "And what was that all about, Hermione!" He turned toward her angrily. "I can't believe you did that in my body!"

"What do you mean? I'm the one who'll have to serve the detention." 

"Yeah but you made me look..._smart._" Somehow, Ron made smart sound more disgusting than Crabbe's toenail clippings. 

"Actually, Ron, I didn't notice. Of course, Millicent had me in a headlock the entire period. I'm sorry I didn't believe you about how badly she smelled, Hermione. I personally think it was worse than week old liver."

"I'll forgive you for doubting me, this time. And, Ron, you're welcome for the display of intelligence. Oh crud, we're running late. Hurry up, Harry, or you'll be late for Arithmancy. What have we got Ron?"

"Divination" Ron smugly replied.

"Oh hell."

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Once again, Ron was the last person to get to the Divination classroom, but I'm not Ron this time. This time I'm HARRY POTTER. Ron had to resist the urge to strike a super-hero pose with his hands on his hips. And of course, he was followed by faithful sidekick, Ron. Who was really Hermione, but he could pretend. Everyone needs to be silly now and then, he thought to himself. Ron quickly plopped down on a cushion next to Hermione, just before Professor Trelawney walked into the room.

"She still looks like a freaky owl," Hermione whispered to him.

"Well class, as you know, today I'm giving you a workday because I have jury duty over at the ministry. Headmaster Dumbledore has assigned Professor McGonagall to be your substitute. Please don't let her doubting aura cloud your inner eye or predictions. Tootles."

She then swept out of the room and was replaced by the familiar spectacled face of Professor McGonagall. She looked like she smelled old cabbage. 

"What is that stench!" she demanded

"Incense Professor." Hermione replied.

"Hallucinogenic, I should think." She waved her wand and the smoky atmosphere of the room vanished. She then put out the fire in the fireplace and opened the curtains. "Well, what do you know, there really is a classroom in here." She smiled to herself. Lavender and Parvati looked like they wanted to kill her messily.

"Anyway, you all have your work to do, and I expect you to be busy with it all period, unless you want me to assign something extra."

The divination class had never worked more industriously. Ever.

One Hour Later...

Ron looked across the table at Hermione. She had dragged out at least five star charts, a compass and protractor, a pile of scrap paper, and three quills.

"God Hermione you'd think you actually needed to do work in this class."

"Personally Ron, I think this is all bunk, but if you're going to do something, you should do it right."

"My way works just as well as yours."

"Yeah right."

"It does! She doesn't care what you write. Personally, I don't think she can read."

"That doesn't matter! Making up your assignments means you have wrong answers. Let me show you--what have you got for the tomorrow?"

"Hermione, they're called predictions, not answers, and on the fourth I'll go through the time honored tradition of falling down a well."

"YOU'LL WHAT?"

"Fall down a well, Hermione. It's just bunk anyway, who cares!"

She looked at him in amazement. "What have you got for the day after that?"

"I'm going to win a ten galleon bet. You know, Hermione, you're sort of obsessed with this whole prediction thing. It's kind of creepy."

"Let me see your sheet."

Ron handed it to her, eyeing her warily. Hermione set his paper next to hers and almost fell out of her chair.

"What is it?"

"We have identical predictions," she whispered in shock.

Ron guffawed. "I told you you were wasting time!"

"But I did it all correctly! How could you..." she trailed off into silence, staring at him.

Ron was about to make a snappy comeback involving a simile, Hermione, and a llama when he got a sudden headache. A really bad headache. Worse than the time Fred and George locked him in a room with a bludger, then gave him a laxative instead of aspirin. Just as suddenly, it was gone.

"Are you ok, Ron? You look like you were hit in the head with a five pound cauldron."

"I'm fine now, Hermione," Ron replied. "I think Harry's—er—my scar hurt, but it was only for a second or two."

But why did it hurt, Ron wondered. What is going on?


	6. His Bark Is Worse Than His Bite

A/N: Just so you know, this chapter is very random

A/N: First I want to apologize for this being a few months late. I got caught up in a few things (I joined a band, graduated, and became an eagle scout) Since it's so late, I'm going to give you the chapter before my sister even proofreads it just so it's a little bit earlier. (I know it's not much but it's all I can do really) Just so you know, this chapter is really random. I had the idea for this late one night, and thought it would be fun to do. So I decided to try to work it in. Wish me luck. Many characters in this story were made by J.K. Rowling. I would also like to thank Bill Waterson for helping me run this meeting (Calvin fans will understand), and apologize to Hermione for totally twisting her annoying and righteous cause. So without further ado in the immortal words of Monty Python's Flying Circus, "And now for something completely different." 

Chapter Six: His Bark Is Worse Than His Bite

But why did the scar hurt, Ron wondered. What is going on.

Ron should have remembered that the lightning bolt scar usually hurt when Voldemort was active, and today he certainly was.

Far away from Hogwarts, deep underneath the city of London, yes even deeper than Gringott's vaults was a torch lit room. There were four rectangular tables in this room forming a square, the largest table had an actual throne in the center position.

Into this room flowed some of the most evil and despicable wizards of the decade. Thorogood the destroyer, Simeon the despicable, Imhotep the immortal, and even George Bush. (you didn't think someone like him could become president without some sort of black magic) As they entered the room, their robes flowing around them the sounds of their voices could be heard, deep and menacing.

"You know Gridwell my wife is having that get together next Friday and she'd love it if you're wife could make it."

"So the bowling tournament has been moved to Wednesday?"

"I got a new barbecue last week, and I'm having a party in two weeks, bring the whole family, it'll be a hoot."

The evil made flesh that entered that room flowed about the tables, each one taking their assigned seat. All but two. These two stayed standing near the door, the taller one leaning over to whisper to the other.

"Well Draco, I'm very pleased you managed to get here, are you sure nobody knows you're gone. I will not clean up any of your mistakes"

"Everyone thinks I'm lying sick in my room father. Nobody has any idea where I am."

"Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to announce you to the rest of the assembly."

Lucius Malfoy's dark form slowly and sinuously straightened up to it's full height, his voice filled the room, "As prescribed by the rules of our Dictator for Life, I would like to introduce this candidate, Draco Malfoy, to this assembly that he may join. I speak for him, and for his right to be here. Bring forth the rules so that he may learn the proper way to respect our Dictator for Life and follow his example.."

"You know the rules Lucius, there is more to it than just speaking for the boy." one of the wizards said.

A short bespectacled wizard stood up, "Yes, according to the regulations passed down at the last meeting a wizard who wants to join must answer three questions."

"He is my son and above answering those silly questions!" Lucius exclaimed. "He is a Malfoy, his reputation is so dark you should be begging him to be here!"

"Lucius, don't yell, it upsets the Dictator and we don't want to upset him. He cries too much." One of the wizards piped up.

"He cries?" Malfoy said incredulously.

"BOB! You aren't supposed to tell people that," one of the other wizards admonished. "It's against the rules and you know..."

"Anyway," the bespectacled wizard interrupted trying to regain control. "Back to the questions." 

"He does not have to answer any questions!" Lucius protested.

"Anyone who wants to join S.P.E.W. and wear the badge MUST answer the questions. The Dictator for Life said so!"

"Hold on a minute!" Draco exclaimed, "This is a chapter a S.P.E.W.!" disgust and shock warring for control of his face. Disgust was winning. "I will have you know I did not join S.P.E.W. when that stupid mudblood git Granger asked me to, and I WILL NOT do it now."

"What in the nine hells are you talking about _boy_" Lucius glared at his son. "You are embarrasing me in front my colleagues. You will join S.P.E.W. I will NOT be disobeyed."

"Look I told Granger I would NEVER join S.P.E.W. and I actually intended to keep that promise!"

"Were you hit on the head boy! S.P.E.W. is the Society for the Propagation of Evil Wizardry, founded by our most glorious Dictator for Life Lord Voldemort.'

"You mean this isn't the Society for the Protection of Elvish Welfare?" Draco asked sheepishly.

Everyone just stared blankly at him

"I think I'll answer those questions." Draco said hastily

"Very well!" The bespectacled wizard said. "The first question, What is you Name!"

"Draco Horatio Malfoy"

"What is your quest!"

"To report to the Dark Lord, and uhh, join S.P.E.W?"

"What is the Capitol of Assyria!"

"It's first capitol was Ashur, the later Nineveh, god everyone knows that."

"Well you passed. Here's your Rulebook, and your S.P.E.W. badge the dues are two sickles a year, and the meetings are every third Saturday."  


"Ookay"

Draco was handed a badge and a pocket sized book, and Lucius pointed him to a seat against the wall. Lucius sat in the chair in front of Draco's. He shifted his chair backwards close enough to whisper to his son without being obvious. "Look boy, this is the first time you'll meet our Dictator for Life and I don't want you embarrassing me. Remember what happened to you older brothers when they embarrassed me."

"I don't have any brothers."

"You're right, you don't have any anymore do you." Lucius smiled maliciously, "The meeting starts in a few minutes and if you don't want to embarrass me I suggest you read as much of that rulebook as possible." With that Lucius picked up the badge on the table in front of him and pinned it to his robes.

Draco followed his father's example, pinning the badge over his heart, and proceeded to open the rulebook. 

Rule 1 Voldemort is always right.

Rule 2 Always follow Rule 1.

Rule 3 Never say the name of He Who Must Not Be Named.

God, this is like some tree house club Draco thought as he disdainfully closed the book. Listen to Voldemort he laughed to himself, of course he'd listen to Voldemort. Voldemort was the most powerful wizard, EVER. Well, except for Dumbledore, but that was really just a minor detail. And what was this he who must not be named bunk. I guess I just won't call him Voldemort. It shouldn't be too hard.

The boom of a gong startled Draco out of his reverie, he looked up in time to see Voldemort sweep out of a secret door behind the throne and swing shut again. All the magicians in the room leapt to their feet, and Draco hurriedly followed suit.

The dark lord stopped next to the throne and pronounced, "Hear yea hear yea, This meeting of S.P.E.W. will come to order, Dictator for Life and Potentate of all he surveys, Lord Voldemort Presiding. All will be seated." After he was finished he sat slowly on his throne, and everyone else sat in their chairs. Voldemort continued speaking, "Chief Scribe, please take the roll call. Gladly. Thank You." 

As Voldemort started calling names off the list, Draco leaned forward and whispered to his father, "Why is he doing the roll call? Is the chief scribe out sick or something?"

"Well boy, it is a carefully kept secret that the Dark One suffers from a minor inferiority complex so occupies every position on the S.P.E.W. executive board. We think it comes from being beaten by that pimply scab of a runt you go to school with."

"He's got an _inferiority complex_ because of Potter!" Draco squeaked in surprise.

Since everyone was silent the words echoed throughout the room. There was complete silence for about ten seconds, and then Voldemort screamed, "HE SAID THAT NAME!!" and started crying like a two year old.

Lucius quickly spun around in his chair and smacked Draco in the back of the head. "_DIDN'T YOU READ RULE NUMBER THREE YOU DOLT_!" he hissed

"POTTER IS HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED??"

"AHHH HE SAID IT AGAIN!" Vodemort screamed as a fresh avalanche of sobs wracked his body.

Three wizards were already close to Voldemort, patting him on the back, and Draco could have sworn he heard one of them use the words "bitsy pookums."

"Draco Malfoy, there are rules and regulations that must be followed here," the bespectacled wizard intoned, "for breaking Rule Number Three, you must be punished accordingly."

"But but, I didn't _know_ Potter was he who must not be named." Another scream echoed from the other side of the room, and Draco caught a glimpse of a bedraggled teddy bear being handed to Voldemort who clutched it to his chest with one hand, the thumb of the other hand was sucked on by his evil snake like slit of a mouth.

"STOP SAYING THAT NAME!" Lucius yelled as he hit his son in the head for the second time. 

"Ok, ok I'm sorry I won't say _you know who's _ name again." Draco said as he rubbing his head.

"That's a start," the bespectacled wizard told him, "now you must be punished."

"But I didn't know!"

"Ignorance is no excuse, and I should warn you, the longer you argue with me, the worse the punishment will be."

"Fine," Draco sighed, "what do I have to do?"

"First you have to apologize, not a mamby pamby yeah right fine apologies, a real heartfelt loving and caring apology. That is the first step to recovery and a healthy communicative relationship between you and your Dark Lord." He said serenely

"You're right, I was callous, and I will apologize" Draco said. "I can't believe I have to apologize to this sniveling milksop of a wizard" was what he thought. Draco made his way across the floor wracking his brain for what to say. When he reached the throne Voldemort had recovered some of his dignity, that is to say, he had stopped sucking his thumb. The bedraggled one-eyed teddy bear however, was painfully apparent. Draco knelt on both knees so he was at eye level with Voldemort took a deep breath, and lied like had never lied before. "Oh Great Dictator for Life, I am humbly and truly sorry for causing you such distress, if it were in my power to take back the words I said I would, but I cannot, and so can only offer you my most sincere apologies."

Voldemort stared at him like a hurt child, his lower lip quivering, looking like he was about to start crying any second. "Do you mean it?" he asked softly.

"Of course I do great one." Draco said with his most sincere smile.

"Ok. I accept your apology." Voldemort sniffed.

"Very good." The bespectacled wizard said, "that was very very well done. Now for the second part of your punishment."

"What's that?" As Draco said those words, the bespectacled wizard pointed his wand at Draco and said "Morpheus Ferritus." 

"OH CRAP!" Draco not that anyone could understand him, since he was speaking ferret. It was then he felt himself leave the ground. He was being bounced. God, this is humiliating he thought. 

**********TEN MINUTES LATER**********

Draco rubbed the back of his head, his human head as he sat back in his chair and Voldemort started the roll call again. "God that hurt." He muttered to himself. He then asked his father why he was turned into a bouncing ferret.

Luscius leaned back and whispered to his son "You see the Dicatator for Life happens to like ferrets, and bouncing ferrets are well, hilarious, it's the best way to cheer him up."

"That explains a lot." Draco said sincerely. Well, the his father thought he was sincere anyway. It was all he could do to keep from sneering at them. And it was obvious that Voldemort was happy again, after about six minutes of Draco's performance he started clapping in time to the bouncing and smiling his fool head off.

It was then that Draco noticed Voldemort had finished the roll call and had asked about any new business that was to be brought before the society, and that anyone with such business should please stand.

"I have new business." Draco said standing up.

"Oh you do eh?" Voldemort said trying to talk down to Draco. He didn't quite manage it however as he started chewing on the teddy bear's ear after speaking. 

"Yes I do. I attend Hogwarts, and have learned the Har errr, He Who Must Not Be Named, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasly have all looked into the switching mirror."

"They what!" said one wizard half standing. 

One quick glare from Voldemort made him sit back down quickly. "Are you sure of this?"

"Yes my lord I heard them speaking to each other and..."

"Excelent" Voldemort said interrupting him. "This puts us at least two weeks ahead of schedule, doesn't it Bitsy Pookums. Yess, this is excelent."


End file.
